Don't Piss Off The Faerie

There's a really big part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be happy, I've fucked up a lot. Look behind me and it's like a scene from some horrible apocalyptic movie with every mistake I've made littering the twisted road of my life. I am not where I used to be, by any means, I've struggled hard to progress past some serious obstacles and I genuinely am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. Still, there's a lot of scar tissue built up around some of my wounds and my life is messy, I walk a fine line sometimes between chaos and sanity. And maybe deserve isn't the most accurate word, because I think we all deserve to be be loved no matter what, perhaps a better way to explain might be that I accept the consequences of my actions and the resulting fall out from my poor choices. I don't take responsibility for what others have done to me, that's not the case at all, I've managed to screw up plenty of times all on my own, I claim ...

My routine got thrown off, I fucking hate it. I'm angry at all the barriers that keep popping up, the interfering little demons attempting to thwart me on my quest for happiness. Everytime I squash one of the little bastards another one pops up with an evil grin that makes me want to scream and choke the life out of it. Violent? Yup, that's how I feel right now, obsence amounts of angry towards anything that wants to get in my way.  Who the fuck is sending them? The angry gods of anti-joy and goodness? What the everloving hell did I do to you?  I've got attacks coming from all angles, trying to keep a vigilant watch but it's wearing me down. Seriously, I will find a way to vanquish the sadistic little minions back to whatever hell hole they crawled out of.  Why do people think it's ok to fuck with my life? I don't try to control yours, what makes you think you have any right to muck around in mine, I didn't invite your meddling, that's for damn sur...

I have discovered I am not good with casual, in fact I suck at it. I can handle surface level interactions for short periods and usually only if they are functioning in a white noise capacity. If an individual or activity is not directly related to furthering my goals I am  quickly irritated by its presence in my space and resentful of it stealing my time. People waste so many precious moments on empty distractions that bring no lasting stimulus, designed to leave you dissatisfied and ultimately wanting more, but exactly what more might be, you have no clue. Rinse and repeat, like a crazed hamster on that damn wheel, only most of them don't even know it. I am not interested in pursuing those meaningless tangents swirling all around me. I want depth, knowledge and growth, none of which can be obtained without dedication to the pursuit, no matter the obstacles, the agony of effort, blood tears and sweat. I am not ordinary and I refuse to think or act in any way that conforms ...

I've learned that I am loved, even when it feels as if everything is falling apart and the world is seriously trying to fuck with me; I am loved and that knowledge grounds me. I'm going to screw up, I will trust the wrong people sometimes and occasionally take a left when it should have been right and I might even cry because fucking up hurts, but I won't have to do it alone. It's not just me anymore, walking along carrying my load of self inflicted responsibility with no one to catch me, I have people with names and faces with smiles when they see me, hands to hold as they walk beside me. I am not alone, I have family. For the first time in my life I actually know what that means and I trust and accept it into my life.

I will always come back;  I will always dive deep, sometimes I am cut short, I find that the depth wasn't there and yes, it hurts but I always regain the shore. A little weathered, a new scar, maybe an extra ache when the wind blows the right way yet I will stand on the shore and dance. I refuse to allow anything to cut short my experience in this life, I know no other way to be than wild and free. I laugh as hard as I cry and love as much as I can. I will be me no matter the storms that roll through, I am strong and I am still here.

I've been through a lot of shit, I've fucked up and I'm paying the price for it in high consequence. I didn't think I was going to get another chance to have what I want, what I need, so I'll be damned if I let the opportunity pass me by, whether I think I deserve it or not.