Midnight Musings

I have discovered I am not good with casual, in fact I suck at it. I can handle surface level interactions for short periods and usually only if they are functioning in a white noise capacity. If an individual or activity is not directly related to furthering my goals I am  quickly irritated by its presence in my space and resentful of it stealing my time.

People waste so many precious moments on empty distractions that bring no lasting stimulus, designed to leave you dissatisfied and ultimately wanting more, but exactly what more might be, you have no clue. Rinse and repeat, like a crazed hamster on that damn wheel, only most of them don't even know it.

I am not interested in pursuing those meaningless tangents swirling all around me. I want depth, knowledge and growth, none of which can be obtained without dedication to the pursuit, no matter the obstacles, the agony of effort, blood tears and sweat.

I am not ordinary and I refuse to think or act in any way that conforms to that mindset. Once, I would have pretended, now I simply cannot, there is no room for superfluous exchange, like cotton candy it is an illusion of substance that leaves a lingering taste in your mouth and a hollow ache in your belly.

I want real honest truth, I don't care if it's messy and raw. I crave the encounters that reach down inside and touch your soul, leave a mark that is forever a part of you. I can't settle for fluff and nonsense, I need to stretch myself, be forced to question every limit and push it further. I want to feel the sweat pouring off my face, feel the pain in my jaw from gritting my teeth, hear the blood pounding in my head,  the battle cry of my heart. I want to know that I earned my life, that it's mine because I fought for it with every ounce of my being. Stand in my way, I dare you.