Remember My Name

I forgot who I was for a hot minute,  I looked away from my truth for a second, lost my light and fell right off the track and into the land of No-No. Wow! You would think that I would have remembered what happens when I deviate from my inner path, man, bad stuff always follows, clearly I did not listen and I fell off track but I'm back baby!! HAH! Take that universe!!

I found myself again in the midst of the pain, fear and chaos and I looked inside. I quit looking all around me, turned back inwards in desperation, completely at a loss to understand why I was feeling so wretched and torn up and BAM! I found reality again. It always comes back to self, every single time I fall apart the reason is, without fail, a disconnect from self. It's all on me, it's my job to make sure I am connected to my center, that I am plugged into my core, listening with all my senses and staying true to who I am.

Now, that's not to say that some external forces aren't trying to rain on my parade, oh they absolutely are, however, they would not have reached this point of all out war if were not for me stumbling around in the dark and thinking I could function just fine without consulting my inner She-Ra. I am not responsible for the bad decisions made by those around me, what I am liable for is how much of that I allow in my front yard or even all the way in the house! Once you let them in the front door they think they have a right to be there sometimes and kicking them back out is a lot harder than stopping them at the door and questioning their credentials first. It's a hell of a lot easier to tell people to get off your lawn then to get out of your house, trust me on this one.

When I stray off course that allows all the nasty shit waiting in the shadows to see my weakness, I allow my vulnerability to show and they are like sharks on the scent of blood. It's the nature of the beast, they can only attack if I give them the opportunity and that lies solely on me. No one else is responsible for my path besides me, putting in safeguards is part of that as well, surrounding myself with stronger, wiser guides who keep me accountable and focused.

All of the above requires me being honest with myself, knowing where I am right now and where I want to be. Clarity comes from accepting my limitations and creating a plan to protect them, thoughtfully with intent and purpose. Having a plan in place to protect me when attacks from the dark side come flying in.

Everyone has weaknesses, it's when we shy away from acknowledging them in their proper place that they gain the power to hurt us. Fear cannot strike if we already know what scares us, fear develops from the unknown, from uncertainty and doubt. Fear is an insidious little bastard, once firmly entrenched in your mind it will sink into every dark corner you have and is a bitch to remove. The only cure is the light of truth, you have to own it, be willing to shine a light on all your dusty corners and cracks, all your neglected spots that aren't so bright and shiny. You have to present all of yourself for inspection and then, when there are no dark places left to cower in, the fear disappears, with no  sustenance it withers up and dies. 



Your mind and your soul need need light shining on them, they need housekeeping just like anything else physical. Mind-Body-Soul balance is a really thing, not some mumbo-jumbo tripe, the more you are in tune with yourself the more balanced you will be and that means peace and happiness. When you are in harmony you can weather the attacks from outside, you will be able to recognize them and plan your response before they ever knock on the front door. But if you are busy, chasing fear and doubt around the dark corners inside you, then you can't put your full attention to what's creeping up on you and then you end up letting them in because you were distracted.

No one else can be as vigilant as you, frankly it's not their job, you have to own your shit no matter what it looks like. So, be honest, look inside and accept who you are flaws and all. Once you own that, then you can look at what needs to be repaired, polished or even exchanged for something different.

I fell off my path, I let my light go out and opened myself up for attack and it's no wonder I ended up a scared, sniveling ball of anxiety leaking tears like a damn monsoon. I became complacent, relaxed in my stance and let go some of my safeguards thinking that I had my shit together and did not require all of them. Wrong, dead wrong. But I remember now, just who I am and I will put back those limits in place, I will be strong and proud again. You can't keep this woman down for long, I will always rise again, stronger and better than before.