I've learned that I am loved, even when it feels as if everything is falling apart and the world is seriously trying to fuck with me; I am loved and that knowledge grounds me. I'm going to screw up, I will trust the wrong people sometimes and occasionally take a left when it should have been right and I might even cry because fucking up hurts, but I won't have to do it alone. It's not just me anymore, walking along carrying my load of self inflicted responsibility with no one to catch me, I have people with names and faces with smiles when they see me, hands to hold as they walk beside me. I am not alone, I have family. For the first time in my life I actually know what that means and I trust and accept it into my life.
So many decisions to make, directions to go, a million thoughts swirling about this mess in my head. Always searching for the right move, swaying and twisting on this balancing act that is my life. Wondering if I have learned enough to finally grasp the dream I've been chasing. Doubt is knocking, no pounding on my door and she's a mean and vengeful bitch. I'm afraid, that pain is like no other and scars run deep, layered upon my soul. Gotta be strong, it's not just me to bear the consequences. The knowledge sitting on me with the strength borne of experience and I struggle not to cave under it's weight. Each day I have to remind myself that last night didn't kill me and I'm stronger for it. I have fought and lived and I will fight and live another day. Learning to embrace the joy that comes in each moment, bar the door against the fear that sneaks around corners all covered in gloom and breathing despair. Hell no, you are not catching me, I know what you are...
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