There's a really big part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be happy, I've fucked up a lot. Look behind me and it's like a scene from some horrible apocalyptic movie with every mistake I've made littering the twisted road of my life. I am not where I used to be, by any means, I've struggled hard to progress past some serious obstacles and I genuinely am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. Still, there's a lot of scar tissue built up around some of my wounds and my life is messy, I walk a fine line sometimes between chaos and sanity.
And maybe deserve isn't the most accurate word, because I think we all deserve to be be loved no matter what, perhaps a better way to explain might be that I accept the consequences of my actions and the resulting fall out from my poor choices. I don't take responsibility for what others have done to me, that's not the case at all, I've managed to screw up plenty of times all on my own, I claim my shit.
So, the question I am struggling with is, do I actually have a chance after all the mistakes I have made, my balance sheet is definitely out of wack, and thinking beyond that to ask whether I have the right to involve someone else in my life.
Not just anyone either, even with my awareness and acceptance of personal repercussions I still have a high set of expectations in a mate. Which is rather odd if you think about it, I can't be any other way though, I will always push to be the best that I can be and I demand the same in return.
I think the heart of the matter is honestly feeling the deck is stacked against my happiness but a stubborn unwillingness to compromise on standards. That tiny little voice telling me that sometimes the reality is that you've made to many errors to come back from and to cut my losses and accept it. It's difficult to not listen to her, she makes sense and she is right, but I'm stubborn and I want the whole shebang or nothing at all, I won't settle for half measure even though I know damn well even that is a reach after what I have come through.
And maybe deserve isn't the most accurate word, because I think we all deserve to be be loved no matter what, perhaps a better way to explain might be that I accept the consequences of my actions and the resulting fall out from my poor choices. I don't take responsibility for what others have done to me, that's not the case at all, I've managed to screw up plenty of times all on my own, I claim my shit.
So, the question I am struggling with is, do I actually have a chance after all the mistakes I have made, my balance sheet is definitely out of wack, and thinking beyond that to ask whether I have the right to involve someone else in my life.
Not just anyone either, even with my awareness and acceptance of personal repercussions I still have a high set of expectations in a mate. Which is rather odd if you think about it, I can't be any other way though, I will always push to be the best that I can be and I demand the same in return.
I think the heart of the matter is honestly feeling the deck is stacked against my happiness but a stubborn unwillingness to compromise on standards. That tiny little voice telling me that sometimes the reality is that you've made to many errors to come back from and to cut my losses and accept it. It's difficult to not listen to her, she makes sense and she is right, but I'm stubborn and I want the whole shebang or nothing at all, I won't settle for half measure even though I know damn well even that is a reach after what I have come through.
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