Don't Piss Off The Faerie

The days of hiding my words deep inside are past, I will not deny my truth to make anyone else feel comfortable. I refuse to conceal the foundation of who I am to ease anyone else's discomfort and inability to handle the messier aspects of life and relationships. I will not budge from what I know to be true for me. To do otherwise would be the greatest crime of all, a lie so magnificent it erases all that you are. No, not for love, not for shame, not for fear, pride or envy will I sacrifice this truth inside me. I refuse to deny countless hours of painstaking labor, agony and pure force of will, born from a desire to be more than what I was. I will gaze at the raw edifice of my soul and revel in its primal beauty, bask in its light with awe and wonder. This is not a structure of grace and dignity rather a testament to grit, determination, the absolute refusal to lay down and die. I will stand before this monument of self, honor the price that was paid to build her and solemnly v...

I forgot who I was for a hot minute,  I looked away from my truth for a second, lost my light and fell right off the track and into the land of No-No. Wow! You would think that I would have remembered what happens when I deviate from my inner path, man, bad stuff always follows, clearly I did not listen and I fell off track but I'm back baby!! HAH! Take that universe!! I found myself again in the midst of the pain, fear and chaos and I looked inside. I quit looking all around me, turned back inwards in desperation, completely at a loss to understand why I was feeling so wretched and torn up and BAM! I found reality again. It always comes back to self, every single time I fall apart the reason is, without fail, a disconnect from self. It's all on me, it's my job to make sure I am connected to my center, that I am plugged into my core, listening with all my senses and staying true to who I am. Now, that's not to say that some external forces aren't trying t...

For all my resourcefulness and my clever ways, I still can't fight the consequences of actions set in motion long past. I have tried so hard to make up for my mistakes, to spare the ones I love the most from the affects of my stupidity, my failure haunts me.  I'm wracking my brain for a way out, watching you suffer with my hands tied behind my back. I have tried to learn, to grow from where I was before, to be better and it seems it doesn't matter. If it was just me suffering, I could handle that, yours rips me in two. I'm sorry, for the pain I see on your face, for the ache in your soul. I'm sorry you've had to face your demons alone, you've had to struggle to survive to find your way in a world that doesn't understand what a beautiful gift you are. I wish I could show you the way my eyes see you, the brilliance of your mind the gentleness of your heart and the depth of your soul. You are special, there is no one like you and I don't understand h...

There's a really big part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be happy, I've fucked up a lot. Look behind me and it's like a scene from some horrible apocalyptic movie with every mistake I've made littering the twisted road of my life. I am not where I used to be, by any means, I've struggled hard to progress past some serious obstacles and I genuinely am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. Still, there's a lot of scar tissue built up around some of my wounds and my life is messy, I walk a fine line sometimes between chaos and sanity. And maybe deserve isn't the most accurate word, because I think we all deserve to be be loved no matter what, perhaps a better way to explain might be that I accept the consequences of my actions and the resulting fall out from my poor choices. I don't take responsibility for what others have done to me, that's not the case at all, I've managed to screw up plenty of times all on my own, I claim ...

My routine got thrown off, I fucking hate it. I'm angry at all the barriers that keep popping up, the interfering little demons attempting to thwart me on my quest for happiness. Everytime I squash one of the little bastards another one pops up with an evil grin that makes me want to scream and choke the life out of it. Violent? Yup, that's how I feel right now, obsence amounts of angry towards anything that wants to get in my way.  Who the fuck is sending them? The angry gods of anti-joy and goodness? What the everloving hell did I do to you?  I've got attacks coming from all angles, trying to keep a vigilant watch but it's wearing me down. Seriously, I will find a way to vanquish the sadistic little minions back to whatever hell hole they crawled out of.  Why do people think it's ok to fuck with my life? I don't try to control yours, what makes you think you have any right to muck around in mine, I didn't invite your meddling, that's for damn sur...

I have discovered I am not good with casual, in fact I suck at it. I can handle surface level interactions for short periods and usually only if they are functioning in a white noise capacity. If an individual or activity is not directly related to furthering my goals I am  quickly irritated by its presence in my space and resentful of it stealing my time. People waste so many precious moments on empty distractions that bring no lasting stimulus, designed to leave you dissatisfied and ultimately wanting more, but exactly what more might be, you have no clue. Rinse and repeat, like a crazed hamster on that damn wheel, only most of them don't even know it. I am not interested in pursuing those meaningless tangents swirling all around me. I want depth, knowledge and growth, none of which can be obtained without dedication to the pursuit, no matter the obstacles, the agony of effort, blood tears and sweat. I am not ordinary and I refuse to think or act in any way that conforms ...