Don't Piss Off The Faerie

Find the women who bring out your fire and see your soul, the ones who fight with you, for you, the ones you can call at 3 am and say “I need you” and it will be enough. The ones who build you up, who are always honest with you especially when they disagree. They might not like your decision or choices, but they will support you regardless because they believe in you. When you fall they are first to extend a hand, to stand guard against the world. These women who love you for who you are, they are your tribe and you are theirs These women, a few you know and others you haven’t met, so keep your eyes and mind open, each one of them will bring something significant to your journey. You will know them by what they offer; what they extend to you sets them apart from the rest, hold onto those few who do not detract from your inner peace. Your circle is sacred and not everyone should be allowed in. Be wary of the soul suckers and emotional vampires,  stand your ground and set boundar...

Close my eyes, hear your laughter flowing over my skin like sunlight, tickling my soul, warming my heart. Turn my head, see your smile, feel my lips stretch in reply. Trail my fingers across your skin, feel the heat, catch my breath. Just a moment, brief but full, savor the taste of joy.

I get so caught up in the pursuit of tomorrow, my goals, dreams and plans that I lose sight of what I gained today, where I am right now. I know where I want to be, I am fierce in my declaration of greatness, for the future; I need to appreciate and acknowledge what I have attained in this moment. I am stronger than I was yesterday, that alone is cause for pride. I got kicked in the teeth and punched in the gut; I cried, I bled and then I stood back up and grinned because they will not get that opportunity again and I am still alive and fighting. Someone tried to make me feel responsible for their pain, for their choices, attempted to offload their baggage from the crazy train onto my platform. Hell no! I don't ride that train and I don't take passengers or baggage from it either. I don't have room for emotional blackmail, pity parties or the blame game, that shit doesn't get you anywhere. I don't participate in any kind of activity that involves shfiting responsi...

I'm having a moment, and I fucking hate it. A moment where everything is upside down, I can feel every thought running through my head like a damn gerbil in those little plastic tunnels, over and over without end. I keep it under control most of the time, lock it down tight but I just can't do that right now. Wishing I could hit the mats and just roll until it goes away or at least slows down, so I can breathe. I am petrified that I won't be able to do what I need to do, what I have to do, afraid that I will break before I reach safety. Today, I am tired of being the strong one who handles it all. When the fuck is it someone else's turn, is what I want to scream out at the world. I already know the answer because I've been screaming for a long time, as always, there is only the echo of my own agony in reply. Those who love the most, suffer the hardest and feel the deepest, there is no escaping unless you shut it all off and that scares me even more then the pain. I ...

I am going to be still in each moment, lift my face to the light and let it flow across my face, drink in the joy flowing through my soul. I will accept the gift of laughter and not question the motives or future intent, I will allow my feet to dance to the rhythm in my bones, shake my hips as the music lifts my heart. Let go the reins I grip so tightly, close my eyes and just breathe. 

So many decisions to make, directions to go, a million thoughts swirling about this mess in my head. Always searching for the right move, swaying and twisting on this balancing act that is my life. Wondering if I have learned enough to finally grasp the dream I've been chasing. Doubt is knocking, no pounding on my door and she's a mean and vengeful bitch. I'm afraid, that pain is like no other and scars run deep, layered upon my soul. Gotta be strong, it's not just me to bear the consequences. The knowledge sitting on me with the strength borne of experience and I struggle not to cave under it's weight. Each day I have to remind myself that last night didn't kill me and I'm stronger for it. I have fought and lived and I will fight and live another day. Learning to embrace the joy that comes in each moment, bar the door against the fear that sneaks around corners all covered in gloom and breathing despair. Hell no, you are not catching me, I know what you are...

I look at her, straddling an invisible line, poised on the edge of adulthood and struggle with my feelings. Pride wars with fear, anger and sadness battle a sense of awe and wonder while they are all overshadowed by a deep rush of love that only a mother comprehends. She is incredible, from the tiny little ball of arms and legs that the midwife placed in my arms to a stunning creature of light and laughter, somehow in the blink of an eye while I held my breath. Strong and stubborn, with a heart vast as the sea this child of my womb has evolved into a woman and my heart swells with pride to see her standing tall. I have no call to this happiness that rises up, her accomplishments are her own and rightly hers to claim, my joy lies in their sheer existence at all. Despite my lack, my absence and my utter ignorance, she has risen up, as the plant among the weeds grabbing for the sunlight to blossom in its warmth. She is glorious to behold, her laughter resonating in my bones and calling to...

I am starting down a path, that for the first time I can actually see years ahead and know deep in my bones, I will see the end of. There will be pain and growth, laughter and sorrow, loss and and discovery, I will be challenged, encouraged, supported, mocked, envied, healed and strengthened to become the woman I have longed to be. That voice inside who never let me quit, always pushing me towards a goal I wasn't even aware existed, this sense of incompleteness, scratching at the back of my soul and setting my teeth on edge; she knew what wasn't right, what didn't fit and never let me settle in mediocrity, forever questioning every little piece of the puzzle that wasn't quite me.  I am beyond grateful for that voice inside who never let me give up on myself, who would not be silenced or deterred in the quest to connect me with my destiny. I am on that road, having found the other pieces that connect me to myself and I will not be stopped.

I can do this, even when it hurts I can keep walking towards a better me. I will be true to myself, I will remember that I am worth every minute, every single drop of sweat, every limit pushed and every scar is a victory earned. I will not give up on myself or my dreams, I will not let other's cause me doubt, fear or pain. I will forgive myself for the pain I have caused and use it to fuel me to rise above. I will not let my pride stretch its bounds, I will offer recompense. I will not suffer fools or tolerate evil. I will learn from every fall and strengthen my faith and resolve. I will be the example for my children to see. I will be a life lived without apology. I am me and I will never stop fighting.