Fighting My Demons

I'm having a moment, and I fucking hate it. A moment where everything is upside down, I can feel every thought running through my head like a damn gerbil in those little plastic tunnels, over and over without end. I keep it under control most of the time, lock it down tight but I just can't do that right now. Wishing I could hit the mats and just roll until it goes away or at least slows down, so I can breathe. I am petrified that I won't be able to do what I need to do, what I have to do, afraid that I will break before I reach safety. Today, I am tired of being the strong one who handles it all. When the fuck is it someone else's turn, is what I want to scream out at the world. I already know the answer because I've been screaming for a long time, as always, there is only the echo of my own agony in reply. Those who love the most, suffer the hardest and feel the deepest, there is no escaping unless you shut it all off and that scares me even more then the pain. I will make it, I've managed to hang on this long. I am still alive and fighting because I simply don't have it in me to give up. I know the truth of this, unfortunately that knowledge does nothing to dull the pain. I have to ride it out and hope tomorrow comes quickly.

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Queries in the Night

So many decisions to make, directions to go, a million thoughts swirling about this mess in my head. Always searching for the right move, swaying and twisting on this balancing act that is my life. Wondering if I have learned enough to finally grasp the dream I've been chasing. Doubt is knocking, no pounding on my door and she's a mean and vengeful bitch. I'm afraid, that pain is like no other and scars run deep, layered upon my soul. Gotta be strong, it's not just me to bear the consequences. The knowledge sitting on me with the strength borne of experience and I struggle not to cave under it's weight. Each day I have to remind myself that last night didn't kill me and I'm stronger for it. I have fought and lived and I will fight and live another day. Learning to embrace the joy that comes in each moment, bar the door against the fear that sneaks around corners all covered in gloom and breathing despair. Hell no, you are not catching me, I know what you are...

Gotta Start Somewhere

I can do this, even when it hurts I can keep walking towards a better me. I will be true to myself, I will remember that I am worth every minute, every single drop of sweat, every limit pushed and every scar is a victory earned. I will not give up on myself or my dreams, I will not let other's cause me doubt, fear or pain. I will forgive myself for the pain I have caused and use it to fuel me to rise above. I will not let my pride stretch its bounds, I will offer recompense. I will not suffer fools or tolerate evil. I will learn from every fall and strengthen my faith and resolve. I will be the example for my children to see. I will be a life lived without apology. I am me and I will never stop fighting.

Foundation of Truth

The days of hiding my words deep inside are past, I will not deny my truth to make anyone else feel comfortable. I refuse to conceal the foundation of who I am to ease anyone else's discomfort and inability to handle the messier aspects of life and relationships. I will not budge from what I know to be true for me. To do otherwise would be the greatest crime of all, a lie so magnificent it erases all that you are. No, not for love, not for shame, not for fear, pride or envy will I sacrifice this truth inside me. I refuse to deny countless hours of painstaking labor, agony and pure force of will, born from a desire to be more than what I was. I will gaze at the raw edifice of my soul and revel in its primal beauty, bask in its light with awe and wonder. This is not a structure of grace and dignity rather a testament to grit, determination, the absolute refusal to lay down and die. I will stand before this monument of self, honor the price that was paid to build her and solemnly v...

Don't Piss Off The Faerie

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