I'm having a moment, and I fucking hate it. A moment where everything is upside down, I can feel every thought running through my head like a damn gerbil in those little plastic tunnels, over and over without end. I keep it under control most of the time, lock it down tight but I just can't do that right now. Wishing I could hit the mats and just roll until it goes away or at least slows down, so I can breathe. I am petrified that I won't be able to do what I need to do, what I have to do, afraid that I will break before I reach safety. Today, I am tired of being the strong one who handles it all. When the fuck is it someone else's turn, is what I want to scream out at the world. I already know the answer because I've been screaming for a long time, as always, there is only the echo of my own agony in reply. Those who love the most, suffer the hardest and feel the deepest, there is no escaping unless you shut it all off and that scares me even more then the pain. I will make it, I've managed to hang on this long. I am still alive and fighting because I simply don't have it in me to give up. I know the truth of this, unfortunately that knowledge does nothing to dull the pain. I have to ride it out and hope tomorrow comes quickly.
I look at her, straddling an invisible line, poised on the edge of adulthood and struggle with my feelings. Pride wars with fear, anger and sadness battle a sense of awe and wonder while they are all overshadowed by a deep rush of love that only a mother comprehends. She is incredible, from the tiny little ball of arms and legs that the midwife placed in my arms to a stunning creature of light and laughter, somehow in the blink of an eye while I held my breath. Strong and stubborn, with a heart vast as the sea this child of my womb has evolved into a woman and my heart swells with pride to see her standing tall. I have no call to this happiness that rises up, her accomplishments are her own and rightly hers to claim, my joy lies in their sheer existence at all. Despite my lack, my absence and my utter ignorance, she has risen up, as the plant among the weeds grabbing for the sunlight to blossom in its warmth. She is glorious to behold, her laughter resonating in my bones and calling to...
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