Queries in the Night

So many decisions to make, directions to go, a million thoughts swirling about this mess in my head. Always searching for the right move, swaying and twisting on this balancing act that is my life. Wondering if I have learned enough to finally grasp the dream I've been chasing. Doubt is knocking, no pounding on my door and she's a mean and vengeful bitch. I'm afraid, that pain is like no other and scars run deep, layered upon my soul. Gotta be strong, it's not just me to bear the consequences. The knowledge sitting on me with the strength borne of experience and I struggle not to cave under it's weight. Each day I have to remind myself that last night didn't kill me and I'm stronger for it. I have fought and lived and I will fight and live another day. Learning to embrace the joy that comes in each moment, bar the door against the fear that sneaks around corners all covered in gloom and breathing despair. Hell no, you are not catching me, I know what you are and I will not cower in your shadow.

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Remember My Name

I forgot who I was for a hot minute, I looked away from my truth for a second, lost my light and fell right off the track and into the land of No-No. Wow! You would think that I would have remembered what happens when I deviate from my inner path, man, bad stuff always follows, clearly I did not listen and I fell off track but I'm back baby!! HAH! Take that universe!! I found myself again in the midst of the pain, fear and chaos and I looked inside. I quit looking all around me, turned back inwards in desperation, completely at a loss to understand why I was feeling so wretched and torn up and BAM! I found reality again. It always comes back to self, every single time I fall apart the reason is, without fail, a disconnect from self. It's all on me, it's my job to make sure I am connected to my center, that I am plugged into my core, listening with all my senses and staying true to who I am. Now, that's not to say that some external forces aren't trying t...

Fighting My Demons

I'm having a moment, and I fucking hate it. A moment where everything is upside down, I can feel every thought running through my head like a damn gerbil in those little plastic tunnels, over and over without end. I keep it under control most of the time, lock it down tight but I just can't do that right now. Wishing I could hit the mats and just roll until it goes away or at least slows down, so I can breathe. I am petrified that I won't be able to do what I need to do, what I have to do, afraid that I will break before I reach safety. Today, I am tired of being the strong one who handles it all. When the fuck is it someone else's turn, is what I want to scream out at the world. I already know the answer because I've been screaming for a long time, as always, there is only the echo of my own agony in reply. Those who love the most, suffer the hardest and feel the deepest, there is no escaping unless you shut it all off and that scares me even more then the pain. I ...

Ní thuigeann an sách an seang.

I am starting down a path, that for the first time I can actually see years ahead and know deep in my bones, I will see the end of. There will be pain and growth, laughter and sorrow, loss and and discovery, I will be challenged, encouraged, supported, mocked, envied, healed and strengthened to become the woman I have longed to be. That voice inside who never let me quit, always pushing me towards a goal I wasn't even aware existed, this sense of incompleteness, scratching at the back of my soul and setting my teeth on edge; she knew what wasn't right, what didn't fit and never let me settle in mediocrity, forever questioning every little piece of the puzzle that wasn't quite me. I am beyond grateful for that voice inside who never let me give up on myself, who would not be silenced or deterred in the quest to connect me with my destiny. I am on that road, having found the other pieces that connect me to myself and I will not be stopped.

Don't Piss Off The Faerie

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